This is a Yaoi
by ShiroiYami
Summary: Romance. Love. Or…well, is it? This is a Yaoi. It's not. Could it? It wouldn't. Ryou. Bakura. A secret control room. Amazing things almost happen.
1. This is not a Yaoi?

This is a Yaoi.

Romance. Love. Or…well, is it? This is a Yaoi. It's not. Could it? It wouldn't. Ryou. Bakura. A secret control room. Amazing things almost happen.

Disclaimers: Here we go…I don't own DragonBall or any related characters (i.e. Goku), those are property of a mister Akira Toriyama. What a neat guy. I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or any related characters, namely Ryou and Bakura. Gee, that would be fun…*ahem,* but they are the creations of Kazuki Takahashi. I don't own my readers. I coined the phrase Separate Entities. Really. I think I _have_ obsessive compulsive disorder, but I do not know who called it that. I don't own any companies that manufacture rulers. I did not coin the phrase half-ass. I haven't been in the health office in my school, but according to many disgruntled students, all they do is put a thermometer in your mouth, even if you just scraped your knee. I don't own the Japanese language. I don't reserve the right to have the characters swear in Japanese (that just wouldn't be right). I don't own anything called a "Ryou Screen," or the Ryou Memory Folder. They're Ryou's. I do own Fact Three. I do not possess prehensile eyes. I really do own The Void of Existence. It's where I hang with people like Bakura, of course. I own a CONTROL CENTER at The Void of Existence. I do not own a monstrous SUV, but my dad used to own a Mazda. I don't own any major rap artists; I don't even like rap. I don't own any high schoolers, generic, mild-mannered, or otherwise. I do not own _To Kill a Mockingbird_ or the characters belonging to this marvelous story, namely Atticus Finch (he's my hero). Finally, I do not own the state of California. Go figure.

The word "romance," like the word "gay," has long since lost its earlier and more generic connotation. Back in the day (of who, precisely?), a romance was just what they called an adventure story. Usually the kind with a strong-willed young hero on a journey of good and courage, often involving good deeds on the long path to a final goal, perhaps rescuing a princess, but rarely does such a tale involve the modern ideal of romantic love. This definition inevitably brings to my mind the series DragonBall. Goku is the perfect hero-type: courageous, good-natured, a little naïve…Before I go off on a tangent, I would like to say that I have nothing against yaoi. Just like straight anime relationships, gay anime relationships can be adorable, disturbing, or taken OUT OF CONTEXT. When relationships are taken OUT OF CONTEXT, I find myself reviewing the Facts. Example: Ryou and Bakura. 1. OUT OF CONTEXT. 2. First (I guess second), let us pretend Ryou and Bakura are Separate Entities. It's so sad to see our little boy try to kiss a mirror. 3. Separate Entities. Little difference here. Could _you_ imagine having romantic relations with someone with your face? 4. Already getting tired of the Facts. Stumped at Separate Entities. Cannot reason beyond said point. Ryou and Bakura are left staring at each other. 5. Cursing context and all its endless evils.

Why is it, may you ask, that I can somehow jump between topics as seemingly distantly related as sewer rats and carpet cleaner. Well, good reader, I never pull things from thin air (except sewer rats and carpet cleaner. What?). I build to an eventual and mind-bendingly clear point. Much clearer than the way I have arranged my arsenal of ill-construed vocabulary. I'm sorry. -_-; *sigh* 

Ryou woke up. He found himself sleepy, like every morning, but still somehow able to move. Sort of. 

"Move, my dear limbs," he sighed, and flopped his arms in a desperate manner. They were deaf to his pleas. 

Ryou decided he may not need his arms today, and moved across the room towards his dresser with only the bottom half of his person in compliance. He dressed himself with his teeth, and did not realize he had put on his pants inside out until he stopped in the bathroom. 

*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*9*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*8*

At school, Ryou noticed only a few things out of the ordinary. In his mind, a mental list appeared: 1. Kaiba seems to know I'm here today. Usually he doesn't even realize I exist. 2. The general student population seems to have noticed me. 3. The girl who passes by me at lunch didn't ruffle my hair and say "O--h, you're so cute" today. She does that every day. (obsessive-compulsive disorder?) 4. The entire class has migrated to the far reaches of the room (far reaches being relative to where I am sitting). 5. Our teacher called in sick for the first time in the school year. We have a sub today.

Ryou was called out of mental-list mode by the substitute nervously tapping a ruler on his desk.

"Yessir?" Ryou asked softly. The substitute showed a falsely apologetic, half-nervous grin. This peculiar expression gave Ryou the impression that he was in trouble. 

"Bakura-kun, I'll have to ask you to excuse yourself to the health office."

Such a strange request startled Ryou—he thought the teacher was about to hit him over the head. "Ano…doushitte?" (Um…why?)

The substitute repeated the frightening half-ass grin. "You, um, look pale," he explained lamely.

Ryou walked the empty halls. "Seems he was trying to get rid of me…" He reflected. Mental-list mode appeared on the Ryou Screen: 1. I'm soooo sleepy…*irrelevant Fact number one 2. People are certainly afraid of me today. 3. I don't remember what happened yesterday.

Pause. This, Fact three, seemed important. What happened yesterday?

Ryou could not remember any particulars, but when he thought harder he realized it was because yesterday as a whole was entirely absent from the Ryou Memory Folder. "Don't worry, I've got it," a voice from inside Ryou interrupted the frantic search of Files. 

Ryou was about to respond when he saw he was already at the health office. He also remembered that disembodied voices were bad luck. 

The woman in the health office saw Ryou come in, but quickly turned back to her work. Had Ryou been in possession of a pair of prehensile eyes, he would have shot a pleading glance in the direction he had heard the voice from. Since this voice was heard from inside his head, Ryou could shoot no pleading glance. He was feeling alienated again. 

"Excuse me, Miss…" Ryou began. "I was sent here, and I don't exactly know why…" The woman got up and quickly shooed Ryou out of the office. For the first time, he decided to skip the rest of his classes. It didn't seem to matter today.

*AT THE CONTROL CENTER*

Bakura: When do I get to appear?

Author: Patience, dear sir. You are currently enrolled in The Void of Existence. You'll just have to whisper to him for now. 

*Author and Bakura attentively watch a screen on which Ryou is walking home, more precisely cutting school.*

Ryou took a back route home, consisting of numerous alleyways and ominous-sounding music that sounded distant and muffled. "What could I have done to all those people? Did I do something yesterday and then pass out and forget? Will I be able to plead temporary insanity?" The music was still too distant to have any form associated with the abstract noise it made, but it got progressively closer. "Will anyone at school explain if I ask? What if they just run away?" Ryou was leaving one alley and entering a much wider one that was just off the street and behind two buildings. The music suddenly took the form of blaring rap on the radio of a monstrous SUV. It swerved off the street directly into the alley. Ryou hardly noticed. "What if they hit me?" A statement that at first meant classmates, and now meant car. Ryou's bowels released. 

Bakura: Wait…do you mean I peed?

Author: To put it lamely, yes.

Bakura: I charge you for vulgarity in literature!

Author: Overruled. You have no case against me unless you have an Atticus Finch. 

Ryou passed out before the car hit him. It skidded violently to a halt, where one of its front wheels grazed Ryou's motionless arm. Two high schoolers came out of the front seats and slammed the doors behind them. The rap music had not been turned off, and still blared at the alley. 

"Holy s***, dude! That guy came out of ****ing nowhere!"

Author: I would like to take this moment to apologize to the reader, as this is the way guys at my high school talk down here in "F*** you" California. Not that I have anything against my beautiful state. After all, there's no smoking allowed in restaurants. 

"You're the one who forgot to stop at that stoplight and swerved into an alley," commented Generic High Schooler's mild-mannered friend. 

"That stupid Mazda would have scratched the paint if it'd ran into me!" Yelled Generic High Schooler.

"That's all it would've done. Your car would've ran right over it with only a 'bump' in protest," stated Mild-Mannered Friend. "Listen, we should take this guy to a hospital or something."

"No way! It's his fault if he was skipping school."

"We're skipping school too," Mild-Mannered Friend pointed out. "Besides, look at him. You scared him to death."

Generic looked down at the pathetic crumpled pile of Human at his feet. "We could take him back to the house." Mild frowned.

"That would hardly fix 'im up. He fainted, dude. You know you're supposed to-"

"Shut up and help me get 'im in the back seat," Generic interrupted. Mild sighed as he and Generic lifted the limp, white-haired boy. A motorcycle was heard from the street, and was coming into the alleyway. 

"It's the cops!" Generic yelled, and dropped Ryou in his state of surprise. 

"Well, duh, dude. You _did_ run a stoplight and almost hit another car. And there's this guy," Mild nodded at the pile of Ryou. 

Generic got in his car and somehow managed to turn back into the street. Mild got in the car before it took off without him. The blaring rap fading, one could faintly still hear their voices fade as well. "Well, f*** you too, dude…"

The motorcycle turned sharply into the alleyway and stopped right over Ryou where the front wheel grazed Ryou's motionless arm (this is sounding redundant). The rider removed his helmet and grinned malevolently down at the unconscious high schooler. He dismounted the motorcycle and poked Ryou with a long, gold staff. Ryou awoke.

"This is about the deal we made," said the rider as Ryou regained himself and got to his feet. "You promised me your partnership, tomb robber." 

"I don't remember…wait. This deal…did we make it…yesterday?"

"Yeah. You don't…? Hey—you don't quite look like the same person. But you're too similar not to be. Hmph. Come with me." The stranger, seeming to have reached a decision, grabbed Ryou and dragged him by the arm. It may or may have not been gathered by now that this is not a policeman. 

Hope you enjoyed the first chapter. J Just to let you know, I've already written out this entire fanfiction to the very last sentence, so there's no need to worry about writer's block or such things. I'll post periodically, but rest assured there is an ending. Please check back. *bows*


	2. It's the second chapter, yo

Sigh. I had to update to the second chapter just to get my story un-buried…well, I hope sincerely that there are some people out there who are enjoying this. ^_^;

Disclaimers: It's that time again…I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or the impossibly cute characters. Oh, or Malik.

Malik: But I'm cute too…

I do not own Egypt, but I have an ankh necklace that many people seem to mistake for a cross…(rrrrg).

Once again, I don't own Atticus from _To Kill a Mockingbird_, all the same….sigh…I don't own Microsoft Word or its nifty Thesaurus Check (nifty: ingenious, clever, effective, natty, neat. ^_^). That would be Mr. Bill Gates. *audience claps*

Kazuki Takahashi should live a long, full life with all the ramen and pocky one might ever want. (I don't own pocky).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It could be said that there are two kinds of people in the world. There are those who, upon finding a solitary strand of hair, would say "Eww, that's gross. It's hair…" And then there are those who say, "What? It's just hair." When you think about it, girls of most ages seem to like to play with each other's hair (a practice that is most alien to me) and one strand shouldn't be much different. Between those two kinds of people, I am compelled to say that I am both those kinds of people. If this tells you, the reader, anything about my personality, then you know far more than I. 

Ryou gripped the stranger's waist tightly. He had never ridden on a motorcycle before, and had heard they were extremely dangerous. "Ano (um)…what is it you wanted me to do for you?" The stranger looked ahead at the road, and tilted his head downward. 

"I, uh, wanted to live with you." Ryou let go of the stranger's waist for a startled moment, but then quickly grabbed it again. _Motorcycles are so scary…_

"You…? You what?" Ryou stuttered.

"Well, I…I came all the way from Egypt…and I don't have a place in Japan…" the stranger mumbled. Ryou found himself feeling sorry for the Egyptian. If he had promised him something as important as a place to stay, even if he couldn't remember it, he couldn't simply refuse.

"All right then," Ryou consented. This made a tan, Egyptian motorcyclist happy. "Out of curiosity…you see, it seems I wasn't myself last night…what did I ask for in return?" 

The stranger grinned. "Well, you said that eventually you would be paid in full…that I didn't have to worry about expenses yet. I figured that was okay considering I have everything a tomb robber could possibly want," he smiled, nodding to a small chest strapped on the back of the motorcycle. Ryou could see that as the road bumped the lid of the chest lifted enough to reveal several bright, glittering objects shimmering in the sun's glare. Ryou made no further comment, but wondered to himself why, if this traveler had so much wealth, could he not get an apartment instead of staying with a complete stranger? _Tomb robber? I suppose I'll find out. Maybe this stranger can help me find out what happened last night. For now I'll have to be a good host._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Storeowner: We sell happles, weasels, necrarcofa, chess mice, and sigel fleas. 

(A/N: By the by, except for weasels, those are all made-up.) 

Bakura: No Atticus finches? Are you out of those?

Storeowner: We have purple-neck finches. Are you fond of birds?

(A/N: By the by, finches are real; purple-neck finches I'm not so sure.)

Bakura: Well, I was told I couldn't press charges without an Atticus finch. 

Storeowner: Sir…are you familiar with the book _To Kill a Mockingbird_…? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryou led the Egyptian stranger into his house. 

"Do you mind sleeping on the couch?" _That sounded so cold-hearted! Maybe I should sleep on the couch? I wish I had a guestroom…_

"I wouldn't mind sleeping on the roof! Well, maybe…" The Egyptian ran his hand through his hair.

"Alright!" said Ryou. "It's just about dinner, so would you like okonomiyaki? (Cabbage pancakes—known as "Japanese pizza") Mister…ano…ano…"

"Malik Ishtar," the stranger put in helpfully.

"Ryou Bakura," Ryou introduced himself. He held out his hand to shake Malik's, but Malik just stared at him questioningly and with a tilted head. Ryou put his hand down and looked at the floor, embarrassed. _Perhaps they don't shake hands in Egypt…_

In the night, Ryou shuddered in his bed. _I…in a cemetery? Why? Who…I…I…_Ryou shuddered again, violently, and woke up in the midst of sweat and nightmarish residue. 

(A/N: By the by, nightmarish residue is my name for the feeling you're left with after waking from a particularly nasty dream. Microsoft Word Thesaurus check for "residue:" Deposit, scum,

dregs, excess. Heh heh. Dregs.)

__

I need to use the restroom…

And the author states, Was that truly necessary? REALISM is a door between author and Necessary. Author frowns.

Ryou trekked to the bathroom. He came up to it noticing that light was creeping out from under the closed door. He was about to turn back to his bed and wait, but he heard what sounded like his guest talking to himself. Yet, it also sounded as if he was speaking in two different voices; it was like he was pretending he was two different people. 

"I'll thank you not to handle my Ring. Don't use it—wait! Alright. I'll agree not to interfere—yet. But tell me. What is your interest in my host?" All this was said in a voice eerily unlike Malik's. Ryou was shivering again, but wide-awake. Malik began to speak in his natural voice, but with a distant, dream-like quality, as the other voice had. "Ha ha ha…your host is a mystery to me. But seeing as he's on full loan, I'll take full advantage." 

Ryou choked in fright. He suddenly felt light-headed, and blackness surrounded him. He saw a dark figure with a glittering golden staff approaching him. Ryou scurried backwards and ended up in a pathetic sitting position. A hand landed on his head.

The owner of the hand spoke in a dangerous hiss directed at the dark figure. "How dare you invade my host. That wasn't in our deal. You will consult me or hear nothing. Leave now." He looked down at Ryou, but quickly looked away. The figure twisted the gold staff in his hand, grinned, and disappeared.

Ryou looked back at the person standing over him, who still had his hand on Ryou's head. The person didn't notice Ryou again for a moment, but when he did he removed his hand…he seemed as though he were about to say something, but Ryou was surrounded by blackness again. Returned to corporeal state, Ryou had fallen back to sleep on the floor. Where he would awake with no memory of the night's transactions. In soiled pants. 

Author~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~REALISM~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Necessary

And that's chapter 2. Any questions? Comments? Gripes, gritches, moans, groans? (Sorry…my geometry teacher says that ALL THE TIME and I think it rubbed off on me…wait…is gritches a word? Darn it all, Mr. Keays!!) One thing: when Malik is "talking to himself," well, I thought that might've been kinda confusing, so here's to an explanation! You know how Malik can talk to people in their minds with his Millennium Rod? Well, I found myself wondering what their bodies were doing while they "chatted." Namely Malik's. So I decided "maybe they're sittin' somewhere talkin' to themselves. That sounds reasonable." So there it is. Malik was talking to Bakura (the yami) and meanwhile sitting in a bathroom.

………………………………………….

Wait, what was he doing…? I wrote this whole fic over spring break and I haven't read this part in a while…I don't remember why he was in the bathroom. -_-; Sorry.


	3. Wow, I certainly used to like emoticons

NOTE FROM THE FUTURE (or the present?): I wrote this when I was a wee one in high school, and it has been many a year since that time. In a fit of nostalgia and bad judgment, I thought I might update this old wreck just as it was.

MaTzO kOsHeR MaTzO kOsHeR MaTzO kOsHeR MaTzO kOsHeR

Several Chapters Ensue in Which the Author Has No Idea What He's Doing

(secret—I'm a girl )

Disclaimers: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or its characters, though I can manipulate them to do anything I want.

Bakura: You can not!

I don't own Special K, Dramamine, or Japan (specifically Tokyo). I did not invent matzo, or kosherness, but I wrote this on Passover. I don't own Alice in Wonderland, namely the Cheshire Cat; that would be Lewis Carroll. I don't own hentai magazines. None. I don't own The Twelve Chairs, which is a very good movie.

(NOTE FROM THE FUTURE PRESENT: I own some hentai now. Ahahaha. Past Me, you were kind of a pussy.)

MaTzO kOsHeR MaTzO kOsHeR MaTzO kOsHeR MaTzO kOsHeR

Ryou woke up on the floor, staring into the face of his Egyptian guest. "H-hello," Ryou whispered. Malik smiled down at him. (A/N: Despite the chronic fits of Realism Deficiency I get because of this, I've decided that Ryou's pants can be magically un-soiled to avoid having to write: "and then he changed pants." This is because I'm such a nice person.)

"You have school on weekdays, yes?" The Egyptian said, amused.

"Oh dear—I appear to have fallen asleep on the floor…" Ryou commented sleepily. "Mm…school?"

A long pause took place, and here I find it appropriate to hum your favorite elevator hymn.

…"SCHOOL!" Ryou jumped to his feet and with no hesitation fell back to the floor. He scrambled ridiculously on all fours in the general direction of the kitchen, where hopefully breakfast would take place. This, however, was not likely. It took Ryou several desperate attempts at stuffing his backpack with a bowl of Special K and a whole carton of orange juice before he realized his guest was laughing at him. Hysterically.

"There's a such thing as staying home sick, you know," Malik managed to get out, wiping a tear from his eye.

"I, um—yes, of course…" Ryou stuttered, disheveled. "The teachers—"

"Can do without you for one day," Malik interrupted. "After all, you're coming with me today. We're playing hooky." Without pause, Malik pulled Ryou with him through the door, onto his motorcycle, and to someplace with nothing remotely school related.

MaTzO kOsHeR MaTzO kOsHeR MaTzO kOsHeR MaTzO kOsHeR

Somewhere in a non-school-related place, Ryou finds himself prisoner of a frenzied Egyptian motorcyclist. God knows where. Ryou is questioning his general optimism.

"Where do you wanna go?" Malik yelled over the roar of the motorcycle, in his usual Tokyo-slang accent (strange for someone from Egypt, ne?).

"I don't know, I don't usually do this…" At this, Ryou's captor looked back at him and grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"Are you saying I'm a bad influence?" He said, pretending to pout. Ryou frowned at him, then changed his mind and decided to smile. "I know where we should go!" Malik shouted all of a sudden. He shifted his weight forward, and, gripping the handles forced his motorcycle into a sharp turn. A very sharp turn. Ryou cried out in surprise and grabbed Malik so tight around the waist that Malik was forced into an immediate brake. Fortunately, he managed to do this in a parking spot. (A/N: This never happens. Do not attempt unless your life is written by a very benevolent author).

Malik:…. Ryou?

Ryou: _

Malik…. are you alright…?

Ryou: X_X

Malik and Ryou walk into a supermarket.

Ryou: Is this where you were planning to take us…?

Malik: In the general vicinity. And you need some Dramamine.

Ryou: I didn't get sick…!

Malik: *grins* You will on the way back, if you don't take it. I drive fast at night. :)

Ryou: Are we staying out that late?

Malik: We'll also need some…

Ryou: O_o (Malik is heading in the direction of hentai magazines)

Malik: Heh heh. Just trying to scare you. ;)

Getting on in late afternoon, the two found themselves getting a case of the munchies. Malik pointed out a place with ramen noodles.

Malik: I love ramen! We should get some!

Ryou: Did you bring any money? I missed the chance to get money when you chucked me on the back of your motorcycle.

Ryou was hoping lunch would be Malik's treat, as it had already been his treat to have them wander aimlessly and hungrily about Tokyo. (A/N: Okay, I don't really know if the Yu-Gi-Oh gang lives in Tokyo, but gathered from anime, it seems like everyone in Japan lives in Tokyo anyway).

Malik: You don't have to be sarcastic. No, I didn't bring money—I know!

Ryou:…?

Malik suddenly and inexplicably knocks Ryou to the ground.

Ryou: ! What—

Malik: *whispers* Just pretend you're spazzing out or something.

Ryou: Doushitte? (Why?)

Malik scoops up a cricket and stuffs it down Ryou's shirt. Ryou begins to spaz.

Ryou: EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK!

Malik: *to the gathering and amused passerby* Epilepsy, my friends, epilepsy! The same disease that—um… um…*the crowd is ignoring Malik and cheering for the spazzing Ryou. Some toss coins.*

Malik: *shrugs* Oh well, same idea.

Malik and Ryou enjoy steaming bowls of ramen, watch the sunset at the beach, and ride home cheerfully on the motorcycle until Ryou realizes the drawbacks of refusing to take Dramamine. The two return home, tired and content, in an utterly non-school-related state of happiness. "It's okay, Ryou. If you take the Dramamine now you might sleep in again and we can do it again tomorrow…"


	4. Mechanicallly Unseparated Special K

Dear Single Reviewer SheepAteMyFanBoys: Thanks! I'm glad you like the story. Don't take my word for it that people in Japan will care if you have a fit, though. They only cared in the context of the fic because it's a Twelve Chairs reference.

Disclaimers: Are you ready? I don't own the English language, Chef Boyardee, Mac n Cheese, Cheerios, or Special K. If I owned Yu-Gi-Oh and its characters for any period of time, it would be brief, because I would soon return them to their rightful owner Mr. Takahashi.

Special k Special k Special k Special k Special k

I have been trying my best to use my sense of the English language as an advantage in this tale. I must say that I truly like this language and it disturbs me when it is ill-used. I often find on places like that people have a wide vocabulary, but no clue what the words mean. Such words end up in a long, run-on sentence with no meaning whatsoever. This reminds me of when I was in sixth grade, and I read someone else's story. I came across the phrase "he shook his head tediously." This caused me to shake my head, but certainly not tediously. Therefore I apologize profusely for any and all ill-used words you may find. Please yell at me until my ears bleed.

I have integrated several words or phrases in Japanese in this fanfiction. I didn't do this to show off my minimal knowledge of the language, or to "educate" the American masses. I simply put it there to get a sense for where the characters are (Japan, of course), and because of the way I think of stories. You see, I don't think in words, I think in animated scenes. I usually "hear" the characters' Japanese voices in my head, so sometimes it just doesn't seem right to write what they're saying in English. As for when I mentioned okonomiyaki, well, for one thing I had to turn around and ask my sister (known to you as MahaVailo) "What's a random Japanese food?" I just didn't want to say something like Chef Boyardee or Mac n Cheese, since I wanted the whole Japanese feel. I don't know why I didn't think of ramen earlier! This is all very ironic, considering I have the students talk like Californians and the next morning proceeds finding Ryou pouring a bowl of that ever-sinfully American Special K. I was going to write Cheerios, but come on. Ryou would _so_ have Special K.

Special k Special k Special k Special k Special k

Sitting comfortably in a large chair in his living room, Ryou reflected on the events of the past few weeks. His teachers had not been so kind when he returned with no excuse for his absence. It seemed no one had forgotten whatever it was Ryou had done on the day he still couldn't remember. Whatever it was, though, the various teachers and students appeared to have concluded that Ryou was no longer any kind of threat. They no longer ran away from him, but they still treated him with a sort of secret derision. Several times, Ryou found himself close to tears.

Malik often accompanied him to school with a "visitor's" pass. He trailed Ryou through most classes, but sometimes disappeared suddenly. On these occasions, Ryou would be talking to him, then turn around—where did Malik go? Later Malik would join up with him again with no explanation. Ryou met more cold looks from other students on these days than any other. "He's his friend, isn't he?" "No, I heard roommate…"

The more time Ryou spent in the company of Malik, the more he realized he was hiding something, or several things. His speech sounded too often insincere, too often in false-kindness. And Ryou did not like the piercing looks Malik sometimes regarded him with, like he was yearning to reach into his mind…

"Bakura-kun?" Malik interrupted Ryou's long train of thoughts.

"Hm?" Ryou made the small noise to indicate he was listening. For some reason it made him feel better to be addressed by Malik. Malik appeared to be such a good person. Ryou wished he could believe he was imagining things, but he was by no means as naïve as that.

"Do you want to have a day out again?" Malik asked, cocking his head to the side. This act, for some reason, made the offer more enticing, but Ryou couldn't help feeling he was being snared into something.

"Actually, I have a lot on my mind. I was thinking I'd spend the weekend quietly…"

"I can be quiet," Malik interjected, "but…"

"Hm?" Ryou responded again.

"If there's something on your mind…"

"Well, it's more like something that's _not_ on my mind. The day that I apparently made some deal with you is not in my memory," Ryou finally revealed what he had been pondering.

"Well if _that's_ the case," Malik grinned, "then I can help you. I know a sort of way I can hypnotize you and bring back old memories."

Ryou gave Malik a worried look, clearly questioning the integrity of his guest.

"It's not like I'm going to hypnotize you and then make off with the furniture," Malik said, amused. Ryou still did not consent. "Oh, come on, you weenie!"

Special k Special k Special k Special k Special k

Ryou sat staring at Malik from a comfortable position in his chair. Malik was lighting a candle and muttering softly to himself. His eyes flickered with the erratic light of the fire, which danced crazily in the dim, warm room. Malik pulled a white surgeon mask over his face before lighting something that resembled incense. He turned to Ryou.

Ryou was meanwhile being entranced by the flame, whose fiery light seemed to be pulling him into a deep sleep…

Until he realized that the damn incense was a sleeping drug.

"It's easier to do this when one's asleep," Malik said quietly, leaning close to Ryou. Ryou finally submitted to the soft smell of the incense…

And was replaced by Bakura.

Bakura: Don't you have any sleeping pills, you bastard?

Malik jerked backwards, alarmed. He had the Millennium Rod close to Ryou, but held it protectively over his chest at the intrusion. Then he relaxed.

Malik: *smirk* I was expecting you, tomb robber. (A/N: Suuure you were).

He nodded to the still burning incense.

Bakura: Dammit.

Malik: More efficient than sleeping pills, I think. Or else it would have been just Ryou, wouldn't it?

Bakura tried to get up, but Malik pushed him back into the chair easily. Bakura looked sleepily up at his captor.

Malik: I have something to discuss with you. Your hikari side is not cooperating the way you implied he would at our first meeting.

Bakura: Heh heh…he seems to be less naïve than I once thought.

Malik: You may find this amusing, but I don't have the luxury of your position. I need your hikari to be compliant. You still owe me-

Bakura: My end of the deal? Well, truly, you still owe me _your_ end of the bargain…which I've decided I could do without. You've become much too troublesome, grave keeper. I don't think I want any more part in our "deal."

Malik's eyes glowed a dangerous shade, as he unsheathed the hidden knife of his Millennium Rod and leaned very close to Bakura.

Malik: But what if, in failing to hold back the other side of my personality, I somehow…*he scraped the knife slowly up Bakura's neck* _hurt_ you?

Bakura looked down at his own dripping, warm blood. He suddenly remembered why he agreed to the bargain in the first place.

Bakura: Then again, perhaps it would be in everyone's best interest if I were to comply…

Malik grinned and sheathed his knife. His powers of persuasion astounded even him.

Special k Special k Special k Special k Special k

Ryou woke up slowly, from a vague dream. He felt as though he were coming out of a thick, warm fog, much like one feels after stepping out of a warm and humid shower. Needless to say, he felt a little cold. (At least that's how it makes me feel afterwards. Brr). He felt as though he had lead limbs. "Oh dear…"

Malik came in and cheerfully handed Ryou some hot chocolate. It was seven in the morning. Ryou could feel a bandage around his neck. "Where did…? When…?"

"Oh, I artificially mutilated you for entertainment while you were asleep," Malik said brightly. Ryou decided he didn't wish to know more.

"Did you find out anything about that day?" Ryou asked, after indulging politely in his hot cocoa. It occurred to him a moment after doing so that Malik may have put something in the drink. Ryou convulsed momentarily.

"As a matter of fact I did," replied the Egyptian. The previous night when Bakura could no longer resist the drug, Malik had taken the opportunity for some "research." Some would call this foul. The author finds it convenient.

"I'll show you, in a manner of speaking, tonight. I don't think it would be healthy for you to have two deep trances in a row, not to mention during the day."

Ryou groaned. He would have to fall asleep again to find out what was going on, but the thought of Malik…

"Please no artificial mutilation tonight, Malik-kun," Ryou requested matter-of-factly.

"All you gotta do is ask," replied Malik with a smile. "Now let's go outside. You need to walk around today." He got up, gesturing to the cold winter morning outside. He looked over his shoulder at Ryou, "It's not healthy to sulk." He winked and strode to the door. Ryou could feel disaster hang on the air, impending.

"Coming." The two left with their coats into the open air, frost catching at their heels.


	5. Dear Past Me: what is this stuff?

NOTE FROM THE FUTURE PRESENT: Okay, so I mentioned that I wrote this in high school. I am fairly convinced that this chapter right here is one of the worst things I've ever written, but for the sake of some twisted integrity, I've left it be. I'm not sure what I'm trying to prove, but there you go. Perhaps the lesson here is: you can't rewrite your past, only learn from it. Or some such bullshit. Technically I could rewrite this chapter, but I think going back over it would be more painful than letting it be and moving on.

So—you can't rewrite your past, but you can rewrite the shit you wrote in your past, but sometimes even going that far isn't worth it. Lesson learned?

Disclaimers: I just don't own this stuff, okay?

Transition~ Transition~ Transition~

As Ryou watched Malik running ahead of him happily, he couldn't help being fond of him. More than just being insincere, Malik often seemed troubled. Ryou wondered what might have happened to him.

Malik: Hey Ryou, there's just enough snow to make a snow amoeba!

Ryou: - _ -;

Malik: Come on. You've at least gotta want to _eat_ it?

Ryou looked doubtfully at the falling flakes. They would probably burn with cold.

Ryou: Why aren't you eating any?

Malik: And stick out my tongue? That would be undignified.

Ryou: *sigh*

A student from one of Ryou's classes passed by. Ryou started to greet her, but Malik stopped him. Ryou had forgotten that today Malik was burdened with the knowledge of one sinister forgotten day at school.

Malik: *whispering* I don't think you should talk to her. You threatened her personally.

Ryou: I…I what? I would never—

Malik silenced Ryou with a look, and Ryou understood what he meant.

The girl went right up to Ryou and slapped him. Ryou held his cheek and stared at her, startled.

Girl: I've been waiting weeks to do that, but I only saw you at school! You think I'm helpless and a pushover because I'm a girl? I won't ever let you live down that day, Ryou Bakura!

The girl strode off, her eyes and face burning. Ryou looked to Malik for some condolence.

Malik: You, um…well, she didn't have to slap you…

Transition~ Transition~ Transition~

Later in the day, Malik bought the two of them hot cinnamon cider. (I have had this, it is quite good). They strolled carelessly through a park, their breath hovering about them. They remained in good spirits for most of their excursion.

When Ryou turned to glance at Malik every once in a while during that day, he did not meet the unsettling and soul-searching eyes he had in the last few weeks. He also met a more sincere smile. "I think it's the weather," Ryou concluded to himself.

As night appeared to be settling in, they set their sights for home. On their way, a man accosted them and requested they follow him. They quietly refused and in short order were both knocked out.

Malik: …Ryou? Hey, Ryou, you awake?

Malik nudged his unconscious companion.

Ryou: mm…mm?

Ryou made to turn over in a sleepy fashion, but his body found itself pinned in a particular position.

Ryou: Malik…what are you doing?

He was of course referring to why Malik was on top of him, pinning him to the floor.

Malik: I can't move. I'm assuming neither can you, considering. We're under something.

Ryou: Moving…? I think we're in a car. …are we in a trunk?

Malik: At least it's warm.

Ryou: I don't think that's the problem right now.

Malik: *snuggling Ryou* Obviously not.

Ryou: Please stop that. *pauses* I think we're being kidnapped.

Malik looked at Ryou, in a manner of speaking. His head had become stuck in a position in which he was cheek to cheek with Ryou, and their necks crossed. In this state, he couldn't have easily looked Ryou in the eye, much less turn his head.

Malik: Do you think the guy wanted money? Why didn't he mug us?

Ryou: Perhaps he expects a ransom from our parents…

There was a long pause. The author knows exactly what happened to Malik's parents, but has no idea where on earth Ryou's parents are. The author is sensing a plot hole.

Malik: He randomly chose two defenseless, wandering boys to—um…he didn't look like one of…_those_ type of guys…did he, Ryou?

Malik glanced worriedly in the direction of Ryou. Ryou suddenly caught his meaning.

Ryou: He, um…oh dear….

Before Ryou could re-work a mental image of the man and decide upon his "wholesomeness," the man himself opened the trunk and apprehended the two eager-to-escape teenagers.

He dragged them, struggling, to an apartment building and into an apartment where he bound both of them. How he managed to tie up both of them with no trouble is completely a result of plot laziness. Malik and Ryou were thrown into the corner of the room. The room itself smelt of blood and…um…intestines? I dunno. I'm writing this at nearly one in the morning, if you could believe it. You probably guessed that by now, or else my writing style in general must sound like I'm an insomniac.

Malik had left his Millennium Rod at home. It had occurred to him that this seemed awfully out of character, but for some reason he had left it all the same. It wouldn't be the last time he cursed Ryou for making him so soft.

The two boys trembled in the dark corner of the room and contemplated the upcoming events. In health class, Ryou had heard about a killer who ate the hearts of young boys he "liked." This did not benefit the situation.

(A/N: Yes, that was a story my health teacher actually told my class. It very much disturbed me.)

The man turned back toward them and approached them slowly. Ryou whimpered softly. Bakura chose this moment to switch places with his hikari and call forth the power of the shadow realm. An enormous hallucination of one of the insect cards materialized and metaphysically devoured the man. He died of a heart attack within seconds.

Malik turned, stunned, to face Ryou's yami form staring accusingly at him.

Malik: What are you looking at me like that for?

Bakura: You let my hikari get dragged into something like this.

Malik: And where were you?

Bakura: I was asleep.

…

Malik: So…how do we get untied?


	6. Why is he a vampire suddenly

NOTE FROM THE FUTURE PRESENT: It should be noted (as this is a note) that any author thoughts not labeled as "future present" are thoughts I had when I was in high school in 2004, and therefore probably no longer relevant. For the most part. Probably. Sorry for messing with the time continuum so much.

Such thoughts that are not relevant: anything at all I had to say about Japan. Anything I had to say about Yugioh. Anything I had to say about cereal. Anything I had to say about the world at large. Anything I had to say. So why am I sharing this with you, and why are you reading it? I would like to ask why you're on the sixth chapter if you're not sure why you're reading it.

Disclaimers: Let's sing the "I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!" song! Okay, how about not.

Space continuum * Space continuum * Space continuum *

Ryou woke up in I have no idea what I'm doing because I feel very lazy and in a state of uncreativeness. Hello again. It's nearly noon on Easter, but I practically just got up. Last night I was up until one writing whatever it is I just reread…what? We watched Joseph and that Amazing Coat this morning and we all kept making fun of it… "But I don't care, 'cause I've got a tree…."

Good morning. What terror shall ensue, now that the terror is…um…over…well, rest assured I'll think of more horrible things to happen to Ryou and Malik. And Bakura, too. I thought of that whole last section as I went, and while I was thinking about stories from health class. Erg. Hey! "Erg" is a word! Anyway, now I have to make a transition back to Ryou's house to get on to revealing some of the _plot_. Yes, finally, we will see what on earth Bakura did at school!

Bakura: Meh.

Space continuum * Space continuum * Space continuum *

Ryou came to in his living room. It was night. Malik was not in the room.

Ryou: Malik…?

A voice came from the kitchen.

Voice: Shh! I'm preparing.

Ryou: What for?

Voice(of Malik, as it so happens): For the night ahead.

Ryou: Why? Don't you just use incense?

Malik: Not for that! I'm preparing a _meal_. Don't you ever get hungry?

Ryou: -_-; What happened back at that apartment? Did you get us out of there? ….um, did I pass out?

Malik: I think you'll find the explanation clearer after tonight. Do you like onigiri (rice balls)?

Ryou: How are you going to "show" me what happened?

Malik: You'll fall into a deep trance…

Ryou: Uh-huh…

Malik: And you'll eat my onigiri.

Ryou: *sigh*

Malik walked into the living room with a plate of onigiri. He set it down on the coffee table (do they have coffee tables in Japan? I think so. This is turning out to be America-Japan Land. -_-;). He picked up one of the onigiri and shoved it into Ryou's mouth.

Malik: Eat some. You won't wake up again for a while, and you haven't eaten for some hours.

Ryou attempted to chew through the large onigiri in his mouth. Malik bit delicately into his own onigiri, then paused as if remembering something.

Malik: Oh, be careful with that. There're pits in them.

Ryou choked on the onigiri, quickly grabbed a napkin, and spat out the pit. He glared at Malik, his eyes watering.

Malik:…what?

Space continuum * Space continuum * Space continuum *

Malik brought out his incense once again and set it on the coffee table. Ryou watched closely as Malik lit the incense and came over to him.

Ryou: How come you didn't put on the surgeon mask this time?

Malik paused for several moments, then glanced at the incense. He wobbled.

Malik: Oh, holy shit.

Malik made to put out the incense but found himself poorly resistant to its effect. In the moment before he fell asleep, he took out his Millennium Rod, which flashed. He sank to the floor. Ryou soon followed suit.

Ryou was in a dim open area. The ground was misty and the sky was gradating shades of blue and green. Malik was asleep on the ground next to him. Ryou nudged Malik.

Ryou: Malik…Malik…

Malik blinked sleepily and looked at Ryou. He got up and brushed himself off.

Malik: Ahem. Um, welcome to your Subconscious.

Ryou: This is what my subconscious looks like?

Malik: Indeed. I wonder where…*he shook his head* Well, are you ready to see what happened?

Ryou: I've been ready for a while now…

Malik: Right then. On to…

Malik pointed his Millennium Rod at the void in front of them, and a large movie-like screen appeared.

Malik: The Ryou Screen.

Ryou: Wow.

The Ryou Screen flashed on and revealed Domino High School. The on-screen Ryou was walking to his first class. Several other students bumped into O-s Ryou as they went, apparently unaware of his presence. He looked at them sadly, but then for a split second he glared cold knives at them.

Watching this, Ryou felt shivers down his spine. Malik looked over at him as if to say, "It gets much worse."

O-s Ryou sat down at his desk. A girl, whom off-screen Ryou recognized to be the one who slapped him today, passed by O-s Ryou and caught his hair in her fingers. She played with it for a moment, a moment in which O-s Ryou looked positively miserable. She eventually let him be and took her seat. The teacher strolled in and began to call roll.

Someone behind O-s Ryou threw a folded paper into his lap. He unfolded it, and it read:

Ryou Bakura,

I think you're really cute! Will you date me? Please meet me at lunch!

There were hearts drawn all over the page. It was notable that it was obviously in the handwriting of one of the male students. O-s Ryou heard snickering behind him. He collapsed forward on his desk, his head resting on his arms. Several students behind him burst into laughter.

Teacher: *looking up from roll call list* Could someone share with me what is so hilarious?

Student: Bakura got a love letter! *more snickering ensues*

Teacher: *smiling* I'll have you know, Bakura-kun, that I keep those for posterity. *holds out her hand*

O-s Ryou handed the teacher the note, grateful to be rid of it.

Outside of class, the boys that had been behind Ryou apprehended him.

Boy: I'll have you know, Bakura-kun, that I keep these for posterity. *He tried to punch Ryou, but Ryou ducked quickly* (A/N: You keep what for posterity, kid? Cheesy revenge lines?)

O-s Ryou: What did-? *Ryou was cut off when he was dragged off by the girl from before*

The girl took O-s Ryou to a janitor's closet and closed the door. Footsteps passed by them (of _course_, they _never_ look in the janitor's closet). The girl turned to O-s Ryou. He glared at her uncharacteristically.

Girl: I'm sorry! They're a little jealous, I guess.

O-s Ryou (but is it…Bakura?): And what might they be jealous of, princess?

The girl may have been a little stupid, because she obviously didn't catch the venomous sarcasm in those words.

Girl: *blushing* Princess…? *turning away from Ryou* Bakura-kun, I…it's because I've had a crush on you since we were freshman!

She said this very fast, perhaps worried the words would take too long to come out. The expression on Bakura's face was almost comical. He looked halfway between being stunned and very annoyed. The girl leaned very close to Bakura, eyes glittering.

Girl: Bakura-kun…will you kiss me?

Bakura: Only if you offer me blood.

The girl pulled back for a moment, confused. Bakura took this moment to push her backward and into the opposite wall.

Bakura: I've grown quite bored being inactive for so long.

This time he leaned toward the girl, his fangs showing in a hungry smile. The girl screamed.

Suddenly the image on the Ryou Screen paused. Malik looked over at Ryou, who looked a little ill.

Malik: You all right?

Ryou: I…*paling* I don't really want to see anymore…but I have to…

Malik nodded and the image resumed motion.

Several students rushed to the janitor's closet and found the girl, who had fainted. She was bleeding, and alone.

On the other side of the school, Bakura was running to somewhere. He didn't exactly have a direction in mind. Blood was still dripping from his mouth. He stopped to wipe it off and licked his fingers.

Bakura: *grinning* I had forgotten the taste of blood…

Two passing students stared at him. Bakura stared back. A teacher was coming up the hall toward Bakura. He stood his ground.

Teacher: Bakura! What did you do to that girl?

Bakura did not respond, and the teacher tried to grab his wrist. Bakura lunged at him, knocking the teacher to the floor. The nearby students gasped.

Reinforcements came in the form of numerous other school staff, running through the halls toward Bakura. He cursed when he reached into his pocket and found no cards. He started running in the other direction, only to run straight into a teacher who was just leaving his classroom. The man grabbed Bakura by the wrists and held the boy high above the floor, Bakura struggling violently.

The other teachers finally caught up with him, but didn't come very close, as Bakura was kicking frantically without the use of his arms. As the teachers collectively tried to restrain him, he was making quite a scene. By now the entire school could hear him, shrieking curse words out at the faculty surrounding him. One of the staff members who had been watching a Jackie Chan movie the night before managed to get close enough to grab behind Bakura's neck, causing him to faint. (A/N: Just because you've seen 'em do it doesn't mean you can).

Ryou watched the whole scene play out before him in horrid fascination. It was no wonder everyone had treated him the way they did…after something like _that_…

The screen faded away, leaving Ryou's Subconscious quiet again.

Ryou: Wait…that wasn't the whole day. What about the deal I made with you?

Malik: That *he said, turning to Ryou* is none of your business. It is between myself and your darker half.

Ryou: My darker…?

Bakura: Well, that would be me.

Malik and Ryou whipped around to see the dark tomb robber standing behind them, watching them closely.

Space continuum * Space continuum * Space continuum *

Okay, when MahaVailo Sis read the beginning of this chapter, the first thing she said was "Onigiri don't have pits!"

ShiroiYami: Sometimes they do…*recalling*

Flashback:

Kenta (my Japanese left-handed fencing friend): You don't like it, do you?

Me: *eating his onigiri* I do like it! Just not the center…(maybe it was the face I was making: . Those pits were _sour_, though…)

End Flashback.


	7. Authorial Authority is Slipping

Disclaimers: I have a little Dark Magician figurine and a few old Yugioh cards, but I don't own creative license to Yugioh. Go figure?

%speaklespackle%speaklespackle%

Bakura: It's all right if we tell him the deal now, Malik. He deserves to know.

Malik glared at Bakura, who grinned back at him. "I think it's time we return to corporeal state," Malik said.

Indeed, the boys could feel the effects of the sleeping drug wearing off of them. (_indeed_).

Ryou and Malik opened their eyes. Bakura sat next to Ryou in ethereal form. Malik suddenly gripped his arm in pain.

Malik: Ow! Why is my arm bleeding?

Bakura: *grinning maliciously* Oh, I artificially mutilated you for entertainment while you were asleep.

Malik looked over at Bakura, frightened.

Bakura: "Do unto others…"

Malik grimaced (Ryou could not tell whether this was from anger or pain) and walked into the bathroom, where he wrapped the deep cut. Bakura turned to Ryou and snickered. When all had settled down in respective chairs in the living room (well, actually, only two chairs since hikari and yami in corporeal and ethereal forms shared a seat), a discussion of the past events took place. Mostly Malik and Bakura argued about how much they should tell Ryou. Ryou interrupted them.

Ryou: Yami, the deal…what you bargained…it was me, wasn't it?

Bakura and Malik turned to stare at Ryou, speechless.

Ryou: I mean, you didn't just promise a partnership, or a place to stay...you promised…_me_…

Bakura still couldn't find words with which to respond. Malik recovered long before he did.

Malik: It's a little more complicated than that. I don't wish to—

"Yes," Bakura interrupted, pointedly. "That was, essentially, the deal."

"But…what would you want to do with me?" Ryou asked, looking into Malik's eyes. Malik purposefully avoided his gaze.

"Malik has a…an unusual problem," Bakura began. Malik glared fiercely at him, then involuntarily gripped his injured arm, shuddered, and allowed Bakura to continue. "He has another side to his personality that…well, perhaps we should show you the rest of that day," Bakura said, leaning to Malik. Malik shut his eyes as though Bakura was about to cut his arm again, then nodded. For the first time, Ryou realized how much pain it was causing Malik to tell him this. Ryou felt a familiar pity for him again.

"Shall we go?" asked Bakura, but without waiting lit the incense once more and they were all out.

%speaklespackle%speaklespackle%

They were all in Ryou's Subconscious once again. Bakura stood next to Ryou, but he was looking interestedly over at something on the floor. It was Malik.

Bakura: Why did he…?

Ryou: I think that the incense has a stronger effect on him…

Ryou remembered how before he had had to wake Malik up. Bakura went over to Malik, and was about to rouse him.

Ryou: Wait. I think you should let him sleep through this. If it was bothering him so much, I don't think he would want to hear this again.

Bakura: Why do you care…? Ah well. Let's begin, then.

The Ryou Screen flashed on. On-screen Bakura had woken up and escaped from school. He dashed down alleyways that Ryou recognized all too well…the sound of a motorcycle broke in. The motorcyclist (well, it was Malik) came to a halt before O-s Bakura. He dismounted and pulled off his helmet.

O-s Malik: Hello, tomb robber. I have a deal to discuss with you.

Bakura looked Malik up and down. He narrowed his eyes.

O-s Bakura: …well?

Malik: I need to… "borrow"…your hikari.

Bakura blinked.

Bakura: Perhaps if I were…more familiar with your current situation.

Malik: You already know why. This isn't the first time I've turned to you. Your "suggestion" isn't working.

Off screen, Ryou wondered how many times his yami and Malik had managed to meet without his knowledge. This could be an apt explanation for why he felt as if he didn't sleep as often as he thought he did.

Bakura: That's not my problem. Find a more suitable guinea pig.

Malik: Using the Millennium Rod…it just encourages it. I've started having long blank periods again. Having an enslaved companion does me no good. I need a…

Malik paused. This was going to be difficult.

Bakura: Yes…?

Malik took a breath.

Malik: I need a friend.

Bakura started laughing uncontrollably. Malik stared at him in disgust.

Bakura: I'm not up for bargain, Malik. None of your Egyptian treasures could persuade me to stay around you even in ethereal form.

Malik: If it were that simple…the "other" me—

Bakura: _You_ cannot call that thing a yami or "other you" as my hikari can refer to me…that monster _is_ you.

Malik shuddered.

Malik: It does me no good any more. When I was young it protected me, but now it just gets in my way. (A/N: Like tonsils!) His and my ambitions don't quite coincide. But also, it's…it's…

He hesitated, wondering if his dignity would permit him to say it.

Malik: It's hurting me. It feels like I'm being destroyed from the inside.

Bakura: And so, since it worked for you to have a loyal companion before…

Malik: I was hoping it may work again.

(A/N: You may have noticed that this fanfiction doesn't exactly take place anywhere in the series.)

Malik: Your hikari is…he's interesting.

Bakura and Malik stood silently in thought for a few moments, thinking what had been left unsaid, but already implied. Ryou was calm, collected, sweet, and loyal. It was obvious what Malik was getting at. Bakura looked at Malik.

Bakura: If you want to try and "befriend" him, then you don't need to deal with me, do you? Or are you implying something underhanded…?

Malik: I don't want you to interfere.

~Author On a Tangent Start~

Author: What happens next?

Bakura, Ryou, and Malik: You're the author!

Ryou: You're supposed to know all this already!

Malik: Quit lazing and playing the Inuyasha Adult Swim game!

Bakura: You don't even like Inuyasha that much!

Author: I'm working on it! Being an author is so hard ;_; …

Bakura: Then do something else, you twit!

Malik: :P

Author is walking away dejectedly.

Ryou: Wait! Guys, that's not such a good idea. If you scare off the author, we'll be stuck here. I mean, can _you_ write us out?

Bakura: Good point. Get back here, author.

Author turns.

Author: ;_; You don't need me. Bakura is a fully capable author.

Ryou and Malik glare at Bakura.

Malik: Nice going, "author" Bakura!

Bakura: Shut up. I can deal with this.

Ryou: *looks worried* What, exactly, are you going to do with us…?

Bakura: I'm going to write this _my_ way, of course…heheheh….

Ryou and Malik back away from Bakura, and make for an escape.

Bakura: *running like a demon, or a Yukino Miyazawa, which is more dangerous* GET BACK HEEEEERE!

Ryou: *crying* No! You're _way_ scarier than Author!

Malik: Don't do iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

Bakura: *pauses* Don't do what?

Malik: Don't write a Malik bashing fic! *pause* Um, wait—gasp! I mean—

Bakura: That's an excellent idea.

Scene changes to an open field of azaleas.

Ryou: Um, azaleas?

Bakura: *proudly* Azaleas are poisonous.

Ryou: That's only if you eat them.

Bakura: Oh…hey Malik!

Malik: No! *flees*

Bakura grabs a handful of azaleas.

Bakura: But they're ohhh soooo delectabllllllleee!

Malik: Noooooooooo! *azaleas are stuffed into his open mouth* I've been poisoned! *spitting out azaleas* I…I….*falls to his knees*

Ryou: Noooooooooo! Malik!

Malik: *dying* Is that you Ryou?

Bakura is getting sick.

Ryou: Malik, I never told you, but I love you! That's what this fanfiction is! A yaoi!

Bakura: Hey! I thought this fic was a yaoi between you and me, Ryou! I….*teary* I love you…

Ryou: Oh no! The Author is indecisive! *pause* Wait, where is Author…?

Author: *writing all this* Muahahahaha!

Ryou: You? No! I thought my feelings for Malik were real…;_;

Bakura: *getting sick again* Curse you, Author! Why must you constantly torment us?

Author: I still don't know what Bakura says next…

Malik: *getting up* Ryou…?

Bakura has gone over to comfort Ryou, and has his arms around him.

Malik: BAKURAAAAA! *growling*

Bakura turns toward Malik, who is approaching the couple.

Malik: Bakura, I— I don't want you to interfere!

Author: *perks up, sensing the upcoming*

~Author On a Tangent End~

Bakura: Well, if you don't want _my_ interference, then ask me to offer something that belongs to me. I can't offer you his companionship, only he can.

Malik: *smiling* But that's just it. You offer me _his_ body, and he can decide whether…well, friendship is only his to give.

Bakura gaped at Malik. He had only been taking him half seriously up until this point, but now he saw that there were dangers in this bargain.

Bakura: I'll lend you…his body? He can lend you his friendship…*suddenly, Bakura smirked* But his soul is still mine.

Malik: *grinning* Fine then. Although I wish to know more of your host…

He began raising the Millennium Rod threateningly. Bakura flinched and put his hands over his ears, as though to block him out.

Malik: No, I'll honor the deal. His soul is yours. Heheheh…If you do not wish to meet my other self full-fledged, then you will honor the deal as well…if you were to interfere, and my bond with your hikari is broken, _he_ may well take control of me again…

Bakura: I do not fear your "personality problem," Malik…but I'll hold off…eventually, I think, I'll be paid in full…so no need to worry about expenses yet.

Bakura grinned maliciously and vanished from the living realm. Malik walked over to Ryou, who was unconscious on the ground.

Malik: No need for you to wake up quite yet…I'll meet up with you tomorrow…

Malik stuffed something into Ryou's mouth and carried him on his motorcycle. Malik drove the still sleeping Ryou to his house and left him in his bed. The Ryou Screen faded once more.

Ryou: That's why I was so sleepy that morning! Malik drugged me! (arrg).

Bakura laughed at his fuming hikari, but just then the two of them heard Malik stir behind them.

Ryou: Malik…? It's over now, so can you take us back? Ano (um)…it's okay, because I'll still be your friend, Malik-kun…

Malik got up, but looked slightly different. A little less…good- natured. Bakura started.

Bakura: Ryou! Wake up! Ano…*he used his Ring to send Ryou into consciousness*

Ryou blinked. He was in his living room again, but Malik was still asleep and Bakura was not in the room, even in spirit.

Ryou: ….Yami?

No one responded, and Ryou had a sinking feeling that somewhere inside him, something was happening to Bakura…


	8. The Obligatory

NOTE FROM THE FUTURE PRESENT: Well, past self, if your intention was to be shamelessly but somewhat innocently transparent, you have done your job well.

Disclaimers: I do not own Yugioh or obligatory sequences.

Other note: Hey, I noticed that some peeps put this story on their alert list. Neat! I'm glad you're enjoying it. Hopefully Past Me doesn't ruin that with this chapter.

So, why did I suddenly decide to post the ending to a fanfiction that's over five years old? My sister is in Japan right now, and Yugioh was one of the many things we bonded over (you know, aside from arguing about rubber bands and pretending we were secret agents and other sisterly thing).

She's been in Japanland for months now, but I was suddenly hit with a tsunami of MegaNostalgia, and I had to reread her old Yugioh fanfic, This Is What You Get For Writing Fanfiction (her author name is MahaVailo. You just gotta read that fic, man. It is still legit funny).

So MahaVailo Sis was like "I want to reread your old fanfiction too, but you said that I can't so I won't." My problem with her rereading it was

1) It is terrible

2) I never uploaded all of it.

I couldn't make it less terrible, but I could do her the small favor of putting the rest of this monstrosity up so she could ride the Nostalgia Wave with me. Although I warn you, sis, that you are hitting the point of no return here. You will probably not be able to forget that I wrote something like this. Just…just so you know.

Long and short, this is for Sis, but the fact that other people seem to be enjoying it is very gratifying. I don't even care if you're enjoying it for how awful it is. Have a pleasant fanfictrip.

#and now for the obligatory##and now for the obligatory#

Bakura stared in horror as the yami of Malik raised his Millennium Rod and pointed it directly at him. Before Bakura had the chance to do anything, he was propelled into a metaphysical wall. Yami Malik approached him as he slid down helplessly. Malik cackled.

Y. Malik: How interesting…you and my other self, in your efforts to hold me back, seem to have over-looked the fact that I can confront you in the spirit world.

Clamps came from out of the wall and bound Bakura to it, holding his neck, waist, and limbs. Yami Malik seemed to be considering something as he looked Bakura up and down, then advanced upon him.

Y. Malik: Do you know how an anaconda kills its prey? *tickles Bakura underneath the chin*

Author: ;_; I'm so sorry. It's all because Yami Malik is just so damn giddy when he's making people miserable!

Voice: Yes, that's it, and not at all because you're a sick person.

Author: Arrg! I've started hearing sarcastic smart-alek voices in my head! Fanfiction is poison to the mind…

Y. Malik: It slowly wraps itself around the animal and tightens whenever the animal exhales. That's how it suffocates them.

The large clamp around Bakura's waist tightened. Bakura started to breathe faster, and the clamp inched in every time he sighed breath away. He started to sweat, and closed his eyes.

He was beginning to feel fatigued, and as the process continued, dangerously light-headed.

#and now for more obligatory##obligatory?#

Ryou went up to Malik and tried to wake him up. Malik mumbled something in his sleep.

"Do you know how an anaconda kills its prey?" He muttered. Ryou stared at him, then tried again.

"Malik! Wake up! You can't be dreaming now…" Ryou yelled at the sleepy Egyptian, "Malik, I think something's happened to my yami!" Suddenly Malik blinked. He glanced at Ryou, then got up slowly.

"What did…? Oh." Malik said, almost conclusively.

"Oh what? Do you know what's going on?" Ryou asked impatiently.

"Somewhat…" Malik said, but all of the sudden he flinched.

"What's going on?" Ryou asked again.

Malik hesitated, glancing at Ryou, then looked at the floor. "My 'other self'…has, um… 'found' your yami…" he said shakily. Ryou was about to speak, but Malik interrupted: "He'll leave soon…when he gets bored. He won't…kill him."

#scene shift of obligatory##'bligatory#

Bakura blinked away the beads of sweat that had dripped into his eyes. He looked up at Malik's other half, who appeared hazy.

Y. Malik: Not quite out yet…? Well, Bakura's yami…*leaning toward Bakura* I do not wish to have to deal with the two of you…when I make it into the living realm, your hikari will be the first to die.

Bakura fainted. Yami Malik grinned and returned to his own Subconscious. The clamps around Bakura disappeared and let him drop to the metaphysical ground. It is notable that it is very unhealthy to faint in a non-physical plane.

#this many times, does obligatory still look like a word to you?##obligatory#

Ryou got out of bed and went to his dresser. He got dressed in his school uniform, thinking how you always have to go to school when you really don't want to…or can't focus for the life of you. It had been a good several days since the incident, but his yami still made no mention of what the other Malik had done. Bakura avoided Ryou's eyes whenever he was in spirit form, acting as though someone close had died.

"Really, yami, you can trust me," Ryou had tried to prompt a confession, but always failed. "You can't just mope about it!" Malik had always followed Ryou up, somewhat less gently.

Bakura was not with Ryou today. Ryou sighed and lightly kicked a cushion. At first he had thought that his yami's silence was due to his pride being hurt, but as of late he got the feeling it was something else…when Ryou thought this, he got a strange feeling of foreboding and shivered uncontrollably. Malik's darker half had merciless eyes, Ryou could still remember. It was no wonder considering they were the last things he saw before Bakura forced him into consciousness.

"Ohayo (good morning), Bakura-kun!" Malik called up the stairs. Ryou was called out of his thoughts. "Onigiri (rice balls) for breakfast, no pits!"

Ryou smiled to himself. At least Malik had not lost his good spirits, he thought. Although the ordeal may have been a bit easier on him, Ryou admitted to himself.

"Oi! Onigiri! Aren't you hungry, you ungrateful bastard?" Malik yelled.

Ryou sighed. Ah, well, good spirits albeit some good-natured nastiness. Ryou descended the stairs and indulged semi-carelessly in pit-free onigiri. With the teenager who might well be the death of him.

NOTE FROM THE FUTURE PRESENT: woooo~ there are like three more chapters left but one of them is a secret unchapter. Until then!


	9. Writing Checks Your Tush Can't Cash

Disclaimers: My past self continues to be transparent and makes offers to an audience of yester-year that no longer exists.

That is to say, I wrote this whole opening about how I'd take any requests and write ficlets out of them, but I wrote that in…2004. So, probably needless to say, I'm not actually going to do that anymore? Sorry, if that is a disappoint. I left the intro in because it seems to be a part of the fanfiction, in the way that a lot of my odd tangents were a part of the fanfiction. This was postmodern before I knew what that word meant (oh no my sister is going to ban me from using the word postmodern now).

Oh, and also, I don't own Yugioh.

~ Page break ~~ Page break ~~ Page break ~sex~ Page break ~

My dear, respected audience.

*Waits for chatter to die down.*

Let me tell you now, that I am very grateful to you all who have attended tonight, and I hope you will continue to attend until this work of fiction has played out to the end.

*Glares at audience members in the first row who are loudly and rudely attending to their crinkly foodstuffs, and not the fanfiction.*

It would appear we have some who are not taking this quite _seriously_…

*The front row members nod and make loud eaty noises.*

Which is precisely the point, so I urge you all to relax, like these fellows.

*Several uptight members recline in their seats.*

It has occurred to me that in a fanfiction, all audience members are in the front row. The best seats in the house. You can even get inside the very minds of your favorite characters! That, my friends, is the beauty of literature.

*There are general murmurs of agreement.*

Any of you who want to see something done, will see it done, as a bonus at the end. I will gladly attend to _all_ suggestions, as it is my duty as a writer (and the fact that it's a good writing exercise).

*Audience member stands up.*

Member: You mean you'll do any suggestion we give you?

Author: Any and all.

Another Member: How about a lemon?

Author: *eye quietly twitches, I ignore it* I will do anything…_except_ a lemon. This is because I wish to remain PG-13. I will, however, write in anything that is…creatively…non-lemony.

Member #3: You mean ultra-suggestive?

Author: Yes, that. *going to regret this* I request, though, that this privilege is not abused.

*Peeking around the large, velvet, crimson curtain, Ryou, Malik, and Bakura are trembling.*

Malik: *whispering* What're they gonna do to us…?

Bakura: *also whispering* We can only wonder in horror.

Ryou: ;_; I don't wanna be abused…I read several fanfiction summaries that suggested other authors had me harmed and…_violated_.

Malik: Oh, well at least _this_ Author hasn't abused us _at all_, has she?

Author: *sensing sarcasm from around the curtain* _I_ don't abuse you. You've been abusing each other quite nicely.

Bakura: That's just your excuse!

Author: *reflects* Yes, I suppose it is. Tell you what, I'll take you all out for pocky and ice cream after the fic is over. :)

Bakura: You can't just buy us off, you—

Malik: That sounds great!

Ryou: Yay! Pocky and ice cream!

Author: I really am sorry, Bakura. I hope you don't take too much offense.

…

Author: I'll let you drink blood.

Bakura: *pausing* Fine then. I'll let you treat us. But what about the next chapter? I was tortured by a giddy maniac, and now my hikari is in danger of death. You think you can redeem yourself for this…?

Author: ;_; I feel terrible…*starts to cry on stage*

Audience: Boooooh! Bakura, you meanie! (albeit several Bakura die-hards in the audience cuss me out).

Ryou: It's all right, Author. The next few chapters couldn't possibly be as bad for us as the last ones!

Author: Waaaaaaaaah!

Ryou: Um, I take that to mean…?

Malik: It gets worse?

Bakura: At least it's not as bad as the fanfiction where Ryou got _violated_. *snicker*

Ryou: This, coming from you, who was just…?

Author: *still sniffling* It's okay, Ryou. After all this, I'm not just gonna buy you guys treats. I'm gonna take you out for a night on the town. Man, fanfictioning must be something of a horrible experience…*mumbling* But this fic won't be as bad as that.

Audience Member: Or maybe…we still have our suggestions to put in…*several members burst into fits of maniacal laughter* Ryou, Malik, and Bakura gape in horror at the malevolent audience, to which their fate belongs…

NOTE FROM THE FUTURE PRESENT: I think Past Me broke Future Present Me, because although I no longer think sex is the evil of the universe, I am still utterly incapable of writing it. Almost?

Anyway, it's hilarious to see Past Me being a total hypocrite and squirming about lemons when the whole last chapter was basically bdsm-flavored erotic asphyxiation. But no, that was totally innocent you guize! I totally did not mean that in a sexual way and lemons are gross and I am obviously fascinated by yaoi subculture but try to weasel my way out of participation by being an awkward hyperundersexualized repressosaurus teen

kay rant over THERE YOU GO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A FANGIRL CAN GROW UP AND LEARN AFTER ALL

~ Page break ~~ Page break ~~ Page break ~sex~ Page break ~

Ryou went to school all that week feeling as though he should be somewhere else. Somewhere where he was more needed…even more wanted. Still, it seemed as though Malik smiled more kindly these days, so Ryou let himself shake off the feelings. One day he woke up, like always, to the sound of Malik cooking something downstairs. Last night Ryou had been disturbed by a particularly

arousing dream…

Ryou: *walking sleepily into the living room* Malik-kun…I was wondering…I had this dream last night where Anzu Mazaki was naked, and—

Ryou stopped. Malik was serving breakfast to none other than Anzu Mazaki, and her other friends from school. Malik grinned widely.

Ryou: Ah, ano…that is…

Anzu: *blank faced, then lightens* Oh, it's alright, Bakura-kun. I'm sure lots of guys have dreams like that. *winks*

Ryou blushed.

Jounouchi: Hey, no fair! You wouldn't have said that if _I'd_ had that dream!

Anzu: Jounouchi, that's because you're such a—

Yugi: Anyone want my onigiri?

Ryou: Malik, you're making onigiri _again_?

Malik: *looks ashamed* It's…it's all I know how to cook…

.

Honda: It's really good! *eating in whole bites*

Ryou: May I ask…?

Jounouchi: What we're all doing in your house?

Ryou looked at the floor.

Ryou: Um, yes, that…if you had told me earlier, I could have prepared a little more…and not, um…*blushing*

Malik: *purely malevolent grin* About that dream…*putting arm around Ryou's shoulder and leading him into the kitchen* If you could elaborate…

The rest of the friends were left in the living room, discussing their weekend plans.

Yugi: Ryou has to come out with us. I think it'd do him some good.

Jounouchi: Wanna take 'im to a movie or something?

Anzu: How about laser tag…?

Honda: Where are we gonna go for lunch?

Yugi: Burgers!

Anzu: No! I never want to eat burgers again, Yugi!

Yugi: Okay…

Jounouchi: What about some fancy cuisine…?

Honda: There's a new restaurant nearer the beach, and I heard it's good…

In the kitchen, Malik talked seriously to Ryou. The discussion had nothing to do with arousing dreams.

Malik: Ryou, I invited them over because…well, your yami and I decided you should get out of the house for a while…your friends are gonna take you out today.

Ryou looked only a little confused.

Malik: It's Saturday, Ryou. Have some fun. :)

Ryou: …something…bad is happening, isn't it?

Malik sighed. He looked straight into Ryou's eyes.

Malik: You need to get out of the house for a little.

Malik gave Ryou enough time to search his eyes for an answer.

Ryou: Malik, tell me what happened.

Malik shivered.

Malik: I don't remember what happened last night. I thought I was sleeping…your yami told me otherwise. Said I was thrashing about in the living room, cursing every once in a while…Ryou, look at this…

Malik showed Ryou his previously injured arm. It looked as though someone had torn off the bandage and dug at the flesh. Ryou noticed that Malik's nails were stained red.

Malik: Please go somewhere else…just for a little…I need to get collected…

Ryou finally consented, and the two rejoined the others in the living room.

Yugi: Bakura-kun, do you want to go with us today? Malik said you've been around the house all week.

Ryou: Um…alright. Where is it you want to go?

The group of friends discussed their plans with Ryou as they left, Malik waving them off. They soon disappeared from sight.

Malik: Well, tomb robber.

Bakura stood beside him in ethereal form.

Bakura: Well, indeed.

Malik: What do you propose we do…?

~ Page break ~~ Page break ~~ Page break ~sex~ Page break ~

Ryou's friends took him out to the beach, where they, without bathing suits, chased waves back and forth. Jounouchi kept picking up shells.

Jounouchi: Hey! This one kinda looks like Yugi!

Yugi: You think so?

Anzu snickered.

Honda: I thought we were gonna eat at a nice place…T T

Anzu: Ah, everyone hungry…?

~ Page break ~~ Page break ~~ Page break ~sex~ Page break ~

Back at Ryou's house, Malik sullenly waited out the inevitable.

Malik: Why do you think he hasn't tried to come out again yet…?

Bakura: I would say he's trying to make you nervous, but that's not his style. Perhaps he's frustrated.

Malik: No, last night was an example of "frustrated." *gestures to injured arm* Do you think he's waiting for Ryou…?

Bakura: That could be it…is there any way to talk to him?

Malik: That may encourage him to come out…I…I don't want to have to deal with this…

Bakura: It's your fault, grave keeper. You can't even keep control of yourself.

Malik glared at Bakura, then cried out in pain and doubled over.

Bakura: I think he's coming again…

~ Page break ~~ Page break ~~ Page break ~sex~ Page break ~

Meanwhile, Anzu treated the entire gang to lunch at an American restaurant at the beach, where Yugi succeeded in getting food all around his mouth.

Yugi: *wiping his face with a napkin* Are you hungry, Ryou…?

Ryou, noticing that he wasn't eating, began to devour his lunch. It was rude not to eat an offered meal.

Honda: Jounouchi, it doesn't work with a fork.

Honda was referring to how Jounouchi was trying to launch peas with a fork and not a spoon.

Anzu: u_u *sigh…*

~ Page break ~~ Page break ~~ Page break ~sex~ Page break ~

Malik fell to the floor, holding his hair with his hands and trying unsuccessfully to keep in control. His eyes flashed and he suddenly began clawing at his own throat. He looked rather crazed.

Bakura hesitated, took a breath, and entered Malik's Subconscious. If anything, he knew he could do more good there. He floated serenely for a moment before he found Malik himself.

Bakura: So he's out right now.

Malik looked up at Bakura, his eyes a little glazed.

Malik: Yeah…I'm in here for now…

Malik was on his knees and looked altogether exhausted.

Bakura: You have to get back out. I'll keep him in here.

Malik looked at Bakura sadly, but then seemed to realize he was doing him a favor.

Malik: I…haven't done anything for you…

Malik was about to fall over, but Bakura caught him.

Bakura: Don't you dare faint, you ungrateful bastard. Your yami hasn't yet left my hikari's house, and I intend for it to stay that way. Get up!

Malik tiredly tried to force himself into consciousness, while Bakura pulled the other Malik back into his own mind…

Malik sat in the middle of Ryou's living room, in a mass of blood. He attempted to get up, but slid back down in a straddle sit. Inside of him, Bakura tried with all his might to hold back Yami Malik.

Y. Malik: What makes you think you have any more power in my Subconscious than you do in your own?

Bakura was thrown aside, plunging into a pool. The pool was made up of what any pool inside a person's mind would be: emotions, of course. Outside, Malik tried in vain to get up again. He braced himself for his yami to break out once more. Malik's pool of emotions was full of fear.

Bakura was dragged out of the pool, shivering feverishly. He felt sick with someone else's fear. Yami Malik held up the weary tomb robber in one hand, and his Millennium Rod, knife exposed, in the other. Bakura closed his eyes in anticipation. This would hurt…

~ Page break ~~ Page break ~~ Page break ~sex~ Page break ~

Ryou suddenly shivered, and he looked distant. Then a look of concern crossed his countenance.

Anzu: What's wrong, Bakura?

Ryou: Nothing. Someone just walked over my grave.

Jounouchi: Don't use that expression! It creeps me out.

Honda: It's getting dark out…we should head back.

The group had already filled the day with the beach, lunch, laser tag, a movie, and various other suggestions made.

Ryou wanted to go home. He knew Malik wouldn't want him there, but he was starting to feel sick and feverish. This, Ryou didn't doubt, had something to do with the current position of his yami. Yami Malik had found him again.

NOTE FROM THE FUTURE PRESENT: For the most part, I've been unable to reread these. I've just been skimming them over to check for formatting mistakes and such, but actually reading it through causes me physical pain and I am forced to stop before I can reread a chapter in its entirety. That said, I was just looking at the pool of emotions part and like

What

What was that

What is this

What is all this?


	10. A Very Merry Unchapter

Disclaimers: This is an unchapter and features characters that are not from Yugioh, but have the same names and likenesses. Any resemblance to actual characters from Yugioh is pure coincidence. I do not own Yugioh.

~character fricassee~ OOC ~~character fricassee~ OOC ~

Ryou insisted on walking home by himself. Yugi and his friends did not know of the danger that waited for Ryou at his house, so they consented. The friends parted ways. Ryou walked home unsteadily, weaving a little. He was feeling more sick than before. He sat down abruptly on the sidewalk. The streetlights looked a little blurry.

Ryou laid back on the sidewalk, gazing at the stars. This made him feel a little better. He passed out there.

God: I seeth thee in pain.

Ryou: God? But…I'm an atheist.

God: Ye with little faith be damned. I strike thee down.

A small, paper cross floated down from the sky and landed on Ryou's head. It tickled his nose. Ryou could not move his arms.

One with divine omnipotence would realize that this is torture beyond all reason.

Somewhere, Kaiba was making plans for his happy theme park, Kaiba Land. The reader begins to realize that this chapter has nothing to do with the plot.

Author: Suddenly, both Maliks and both Bakuras, yami and hikari, are transported to a space station.

Bakura: What the hell…?

Y. Malik: I can work with this. I'll be the captain!

Malik: Noooooo, because then we'd have to call you "Space Captain."

Y. Malik: Bakura, you're the pilot. Ryou, you have to stand in front of some buttons and charts and say "The engines are out," or "These readings are abnormal."

Malik: What do I do?

Y. Malik: You will be jettisoned out of the air lock.

Malik: T T Noooo….

Jounouchi: I'm the captain of this ship, and I say no one's gonna be jettisoned.

All: Jounouchi?

Ryou: Why not Yugi, when he's the main character…?

Author: I felt like putting in Jounouchi, okay?

Y. Malik: *grabs Malik by the collar* But I say that my pathetic hikari is to explode in the depths of space.

Malik: ;_;

Yami Malik drags his hikari to a "door" and reaches for the handle.

Bakura: YOU IDIOT! WE'D ALL BE SUCKED OUT IF YOU DO THAT!

Yami Malik frowns and draws away from the door.

Ryou: Does that door say "Door"…?

Bakura: Indeed it does. What's a door doing in a space ship?

Malik: *whining* What are _we_ doing in a space ship?

Bakura inspects the Door.

Bakura: Ryou, that looks like your living room door.

Everyone stares at the door in question.

Ryou: Do you think it really is…?

Bakura: Oh well. *opens Door*

The Door leads to Ryou's living room. Yami Malik and Bakura glance at each other.

Bakura: Sooo…

Y. Malik: Time to get back to the fanfiction?

Everyone else: Nooooo!

Too late. The fanfiction resumes its evil horrors.

~character fricassee~ OOC ~~character fricassee~ OOC ~

Or not.

Good readers, I didn't feel like writing. Then I visited fanfiction land, and boy do I feel a rant coming on…

Author: OH DEAR GOD!

Everyone: What is it?

Author: I just…I don't feel quite as bad about my fanfiction anymore.

Bakura: Why ever not?

Author: Why…oh, why…I clicked on the "R" section out of pure curiosity…

Malik: And…?

Author: Well, it was a yaoi between…several people…and I thought it might be, um, mostly harmless…

Bakura: In the R section?

Author: OH GOD WHY DID I CLICK ON IT?

Ryou: Author? Will you be okay?

Author: LEMONS! I HAD TO KEEP SCROLLING JUST TO AVOID GODDAMN LEMONS!

Malik: Lemons between whom…? Oh no…

Author: Yami Malik and Yami Bakura….thank Ra the author wrote "beware: lemon ahead" before them…but there were things without warning—THINGS WITHOUT WARNING! It started out where Ryou was alone and naked in Yugi's room…

Ryou: O_O ~~ ;_; Was I…?

Author: Yes, Ryou. The worst part of fanfictioning. And bruises! Why did you do it, Yami Malik? Why, Bakura?

Bakura: *stunned* Do…what?

Y. Malik: Heheheh.

Everyone turns to stare at Yami Malik.

Y. Malik: What? I like reading the R section.

Bakura: *shakes head violently to erase thoughts* Author, if you didn't expect this, and you were in the R section…I can't say I—

Author: *grabs Bakura by the shoulders* Bakura, it was horrible! You should have seen the way you and Yami Malik—

Bakura: *crying* Noooo! I don't want to hear my unholy lemony ventures! Dear Ra, it's more than I can bear!

Author: *lets go* Yes, and I suppose I should have seen it coming…ah well, on to the fanfiction!

~character fricassee~ OOC ~~character fricassee~ OOC ~

Or not (again!)

The story thus far: Ryou was wondering why all his classmates were afraid of him. He met a stranger on his way home that day, which was none other than Malik! As Ryou slowly began to realize his feelings for the Egyptian were beyond just friendship, his yami, Bakura, decided to make himself known—and he was in love with Ryou! When the possessive yami failed to kill himself due to conflicting emotions that the author didn't feel like articulating, Malik found him and told him a meaningful story that is supposed to be taken as symbolic, but the story is so vague that it's obvious no thought was put into its meaning. Bakura is torn between his two lovers—Ryou and Malik—and when he can't decide, Yami Malik makes it onto the scene. Yami Malik traps Bakura in a dangerous (and suggestive) situation, but Ryou cuts in and saves his yami from an inevitable lemon. Yami Malik is not much enthused about Bakura's hikari, and so leaves them be. Malik takes control of himself again and apologizes to Ryou, hugging him, before stuffing his hand into Ryou's pants. The situation grows dire! The situation grows cliched! It even grows hair! Several days (and chapters) pass in which nothing at all happens! Really, nothing happened. At least fifteen chapters are given to Ryou "thinking deeply" about his relationships, or just repeating what's going on and why he's unhappy. Several chapters have passed without sex, or even suggestiveness. The yaoi audience grows restless…Finally, it seems that some plot will reveal itself, but not before the sex. Nope. Malik encourages Ryou that it's time to become "intimate"…the catch is that Malik doesn't know it's really Bakura, who's been waiting for this! Warning: This chapter contains nine lemons! In fact, that's all it really is, with some plot mildly sprinkled in. Ideally, this chapter could have been only five sentences long, but we just had to have the sex.

Bakura: *eyes are burning from reading the above* Th—that's not what happened! That's not what happened at all!

Malik: *fighting down violent sobs* Why? Why would you even _conceive_ such a monstrosity?

Ryou: *inconsolable*

Author: Heheh…just kidding. I was wondering if my readers would, out of curiosity or forgetfulness, read the "story thus far." If you did, you were quite surprised, baffled, sickened, or at least mildly entertained, I hope.

~character fricassee~ OOC ~~character fricassee~ OOC ~

Ryou was in his class, and the teacher handed out those "student survey" things where you don't have to give your name, but you have to tell them things like whether you've had alcohol, sex, or drugs. Ryou was quietly filling out the answers: resounding "no's." Or so he thought…

Ryou: *thinking* Have I had cigarettes…no. Driving without a license? No. Sex? Dear, no—

Ryou was interrupted by a small, deliberate cough from inside his head.

Ryou: *inwardly* What is it, yami?

Bakura: Um, ahem…you, uh…you might want to mark a "yes" on that one.

Ryou: Yami, no one knows who you are when you send these in. If you're trying to make me a reputation, then—

Bakura: That's, uh, not it. *silence*

Ryou: Yaaaaaaami?

Bakura: *presumably giving the innocent look, but we can't tell* Yeeeees?

Ryou: Is there something you…want to tell me?

Bakura: Not particularly, but I think you already got the general implication.

Ryou: YAMI! I wish you would pick a more willing—or a least _conscious_ host to do those kinds of things! Who was it?

Bakura: It's technically not your business…

Ryou: IT'S MY BLOODY BUSINESS WHEN WE SHARE THE SAME VESSEL!

In his state of agitation, Ryou had not realized that this last was yelled, and not thought. The class was befuddled. (Secret: I like the word befuddled).

Ryou walked home fuming. He came across a lemon stand, on which the lemons looked fresh and lemony. He paused to think about whether he needed any lemons at home.

Ryou: I think I want a lemon…

Voice: So do I.

Ryou swiveled around and found himself looking up at the psychotic Egyptian, Yami Malik. Ryou was very much over-shadowed by him, and was feeling a little nervous. Yami Malik began examining the fresh fruits. Ryou clamped his heart with his hand. At first, he could have sworn he meant—

Y. Malik: But _this_ kind isn't really _interesting_ enough…

Yami Malik leaned over Ryou menacingly. Ryou started to back away, but Yami Malik caught him.

Y. Malik: Ten freaking chapters, and not a single lemon! (he was not referring to the fruit) I think that should be changed, don't you?

Ryou shook his head violently. Yami Malik ignored him.

Y. Malik: I mean, there are enough lovers in this fanfiction for a lemon to be at least _conceivable_, don't you think?

Ryou: There are? Who's in love?

Y. Malik: Well, there's _your_ yami…

Ryou: You know who it is?

Y. Malik: He hasn't told you? Ah, then I'm not going to spoil the surprise.

Ryou: *_* (livid-face emoticon. At least I think) WHY?

Y. Malik: You might chance to wake up in the middle of—well, I just _can't_ miss the face you would make. I'll have to sneak in and take a picture. -_-* (shining eye-of-evil emoticon)

This suggested that Bakura's "partner" was not Yami Malik, which gave Ryou at least mild relief. He began to head home, but Yami Malik stopped him again.

Y. Malik: Wait…don't you want to—

Ryou: Ah, well—LOOK IT'S MARYLIN MANSON!

Y. Malik: AUTOGRAAAAPH!

Yami Malik launched in the opposite direction. The audience was spared a long, non-fruit-related event. Ryou ran the rest of the way home.

And then this entry abruptly ends! Why, you may ask, when we never found out who Bakura's lover is? Well, the reason is, that's not the point! In fact, most fanfiction writers would have written just this far without even knowing who it is themselves. This is because, presumably, anyone would be suitable and/or convenient, and/or hilariously wrong. The author is spared the necessity of a brain!

~character fricassee~ OOC ~~character fricassee~ OOC ~

Bakura: Where's Author? Why is she writing an _entire_ chapter just full of ranting? Isn't she going to finish the story?

No one responds to Bakura. He waits, tapping his word-created foot. He suddenly realizes that no one is there. It was an easy mistake to make, considering that when you're made up of words and not pictures, you can't tell if you're with anyone unless they're written.

Bakura: Where is everyone?

This question was so idiotically rhetorical that the writer cannot even fathom its necessity.

Bakura: Is that you, Author? Since when did you become so cynical? Ha! You can't even spell "cynical!"

I just did.

Bakura: Only because of spell check, you inept fool. You were about to spell it right, then decided to add an extra "n." Spell check saved your ass.

You know that you're the reason this fanfiction is PG-13?

Bakura: :P Liar. That would be Yami Malik, and your insatiable need to rant about lemons.

Don't make me pull you into a lemon rant. *Bakura looks nervous.*

Bakura: You wouldn't!

You're the only character so far who has given me… "problems."

Bakura: That's practically your fault, you incurable fiend!

Bakura was suddenly dropped into the dimension of fresh lemony evil.

Bakura: EEEEYAAAAAAAH! I REFUSE TO BE SUBJECTED TO

THE FRUIT OF HELL!

His cries were unheard, as this realm is dark and evil-y.

Bakura: Wait—how does it being dark have to do with hearing?

NEVER CONTRADICT THE AUTHOR. *she boomed from the pit of Hell*

Bakura: But…I don't want to be in a lemon. ;_;

You stole Ryou's sad face.

Bakura: I already had to endure the uncomfortable evils of lemonning in several other fanfictions… T_T

Several others? You mean you were actually there?

Bakura: I wasn't at a fruit stand.

I think that's enough literal fruit references for one fic.

Bakura: T_T – T~T (sniffy emoticon) T_T *tears*

Okay! I get it!

Bakura: So why _aren't_ you finishing this wretched work?

It's a secret! *runs in the other direction*

Bakura: You can't run! You're the author!

Bakura is left alone again.

Bakura: Who's writing this?

It's a secret.

Bakura: What the hell? You're probably not an authorized fanfiction writer.

Anyone can write a fanfiction.

Bakura: I've noticed. So is Author stumped or something?

Oh, no. She actually knows _exactly_ what's going to happen in the last chapter. She just couldn't stop writing crap before she finished the story.

Bakura: You mean she's prolonging our torment and agony because she's on a writing tangent?

That's pretty much it.

Bakura: And she could have ended it, say, WITHOUT this chapter?

Yep.

Bakura: Shit.


	11. The Chapters Go All the Way Up to Eleven

Disclaimers: This is actually chapter ten, because the previous chapter was not a chapter. I don't own Yugioh?

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Yami Malik lifted up Bakura by the neck of his shirt. The tomb robber was rather limp, and drenched in blood. Malik's darker half drew the blade of his Millennium item out of Bakura's mouth. He streaked the blood up across Bakura's cheek and into his hair. Bakura moaned faintly. Yami Malik grinned sadistically, switching the direction of his Millennium Rod so that the head rested in Bakura's hair.

Y. Malik: Now…take me to the Subconscious of your host.

Bakura blinked slowly at his attacker. He was just barely aware that Malik's yami had said something to do with Ryou. It's somehow ironic that Bakura was far more aware of the paradox contained within the prospect of losing consciousness in a Subconscious.

Y. Malik: Your host. I've been meaning to pay him a visit.

Bakura suddenly caught his meaning. Despite the mass of blood in his mouth, Bakura managed to spit out a retort.

Bakura: Go fuck yourself.

Ah, yes. Beautiful.

Y. Malik: *presses the head of the Millennium Rod to Bakura's skull* I don't wish to dispose of you entirely…*the Millennium Rod flashed as Yami Malik issued his command with the power of his item*

Bakura coughed up more blood in an attempt to protest, but the yami of Malik cut his own efforts short.

Y. Malik: It looks as though your hikari has already made it home. *smiles*

Bakura felt chills go down his spine. _Hikari…if you have any wits, get out of here…_

In the realm of the living, Ryou entered his house to find his guest soaked in blood. Malik smiled up at him, almost apologetically.

Ryou: Malik-kun! Can you get up?

Ryou ran over to Malik and tried to assess the damage. He was about to run to get something to clean up the blood with, but Malik's hand caught his wrist. His grip was firm in a threatening way.

Ryou looked back at Malik, stunned. Malik's eyes had gotten colder and his appearance altogether was more disheveled. He stood up, a purely amazing feat considering all the blood surrounding him was his own. At full height, Ryou could see that this Malik was far taller and more imposing. He grinned down broadly at the terrified hikari, wrenching him back by his wrist alone.

Ryou cried out in horror as this Malik drew out a bloody, golden blade. The vile creature spoke in horrible, lilting words that dripped and twisted out of his mouth.

Y. Malik: Your yami lays trapped in the spirit's world…he wished to save you, but sadly the blade covered in his life blood is about to murder you.

Ryou tried frantically to escape the grip of the ungodly beast, but stopped abruptly upon seeing his yami, in spirit form, between a tangible blade and Ryou. The wielder of the blade cackled. To demonstrate the source of his amusement, he stabbed the spirit in the head with the knife. The knife, predictably, made no contact.

Y. Malik: A fruitless effort, I'm afraid. Your hikari dared to hold me back through his mortal trust. Now your vessel will have to die.

Yami Malik aimed directly for Ryou's head. Bakura blinked, and the knife made contact with flesh. Ryou screamed in pain, but the severed flesh was not that of his head. The Millennium Rod had plunged into his arm.

Bakura: You're losing your touch, grave keeper.

Yami Malik's eyes flashed with mixtures of his two conflicting personalities. He at first dug the knife deeper into Ryou's arm, then drew it out quickly. He couldn't decide on which way to turn. His mind was reeling with his own thoughts, opposites to each other as light is to dark. At that moment he both loved and hated everyone in the room; and that was the reason, at that moment, he dearly wished to die.

Ryou sank to the floor and lay there, relief reaching him before concern. His yami dripped intangible blood on the floor and watched Malik in his state of chaos, who was now taking the conflict out upon himself, bodily. The knife was marking its owner everywhere fresh blood could be drawn. Ryou gazed weakly at his friend in torment.

Ryou: Malik…if you still want to kill me, I can't move.

Malik (it was not discernable which Malik was in control anymore) turned around bewildered and looked down at Ryou.

Y. Malik: You wish to die?

Ryou: I don't think you wish to kill me.

Y. Malik: A poor invitation, but I gladly accept. Abayo (so long).

With no hesitation at all, the blade was thrust into the floor. Malik, with no trace of a yami on his face, was standing over his bloodied friend. For all of the life in him, he could not look Ryou in the eye.

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"I'm leaving," Malik announced the next morning. He had refused to let Ryou clean his face of blood, and seemed to be sickened by the sight of him. "I can't stand to stay here a day longer."

"Malik…I…

"I need to go to bed. Dearly!" said the author. This was true.

"Malik, I'm not asking you to leave," Ryou whispered.

"Idiot…do you think he'll just lie dormant? He's just waiting again. He despises you, and now I think his feelings are crossing over somewhat." Ryou had nothing to say to this. His eyes met with the floor.

"You ass. My hikari was the only thing between you and your blood on the floor last night," Bakura interjected. Malik turned on him, his piercing eyes gleaming.

"In the end, neither of you could help me!"

"Just because you're kicking yourself doesn't mean you can take it out on my hikari," Bakura spat. Malik paused, then let his eyes meet the floor like Ryou's. Then he glanced at Ryou with the closest look he could have to an apology.

"Ryou…I…I thank you for…the help that you have given me…over the past few weeks. For your hospitality."

Ryou looked up at Malik. "You can still stay, Malik-kun."

Malik considered the words for several moments. He looked to Ryou, Bakura, then his Millennium Rod, still in his hand. He smiled warmly at Ryou. Without another word, he left. The motorcycle was heard outside, driving into the distance.

As he rode into the early morning, Malik wondered to himself if he would ever be rid of his other self. Perhaps he would have to master himself, with no help at all…

Epilogue

Ryou awoke that morning and got out of bed. He picked up his Millennium Ring, the home of his yami, and went down to breakfast. As he ate, he and his yami chatted inwardly through Ryou's Subconscious.

Ryou: After I eat, do you still get hungry?

Bakura: We share a vessel. That would be rather impossible.

Ryou: I was wondering…why did Malik call you "tomb robber?"

Bakura: Ah, that…that would be a long story for another time. The main idea, though, is because that's what I am.

Ryou tried to imagine someone in ancient Egypt who looked just like him stealing from pyramids and buried tombs. It caused him to shiver a little. Wasn't that…at the very least, somewhat unholy?

There came a knock on the door.

Bakura: ARRGH! *He had been taking his "turn" in corporeal state because Ryou insisted he eat some, and now food was spilt all over himself and the coffee table.* Hikari, why invite the carpet cleaners at eight in the morning?

Ryou took over again, and went to answer the door. Standing before him was none other than Malik.

Ryou, at first, just grinned at him. Malik grinned back.

Malik: You know, I wasn't lying when I said I don't have a place in Japan.

Ryou: You can stay as long as you want, Malik.

The two went into the living room where Ryou had been eating his breakfast.

Malik: You know how to cook? Why didn't you tell me before I made onigiri every morning?

Bakura: It was funny.

Malik: ACK! _Warn_ me before you switch places!

Bakura: What made you decide to stay?

Ryou floated peacefully beside his yami in spirit form. Malik looked at him, and decided to respond as though Ryou had asked the question instead.

Malik: I…well, I slept last night. It was the first time in months I haven't had a single nightmare. I think it's because he's gone.

Bakura: You really don't think he's coming back?

Ryou: I don't think so. Because you got "collected," right Malik?

Malik smiled.

Malik: Yeah. Now let's go out today. I challenge your cement-faced yami to have fun.

Ryou: Then let's go! Yami, you've been insulted.

Bakura: Likening my face to cement! I'll have "fun" pulling all your pretty hair out, you purple-eyed weasel…

The three continued as they walked out the door and drove off on Malik's motorcycle, laughing and teasing, all facing the prospect of a new day.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The End - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I think my "paradox" deal was a little confusing, so, here you go—

Paradox: You cannot lose consciousness in a Subconscious, because that would mean you were already technically "unconscious." Of course, Bakura is in someone _else's_ Subconscious, but…ah, well. The beauty of the paradox!

Sigh. And me, in my ultra-logical mind, end this fic simply wondering how on earth Ryou will clean his living room of blood. That kind of destroys the magic drama of it all. Why can't I take myself seriously?

Thank you all, dear readers. *The Author finally shuts up* (Sorta.)

NOTE FROM THE FUTURE PRESENT: The Author can never shut up, ever. How ya'll doin? I'd be curious to know what anyone thought of this, if you have thoughts on this, or if the fiction in its entirety just melted a searing hole in your brain and when you try to remember what you were reading this whole time you just sort of stutter and mumble and sparks fly out of your ears. That is kind of my reaction to it, I think.

That said, MahaVailo Sis, this is my present to you. MY DIGNITY. It is non-refundable, so I hope you have a nice glass frame for it so you can look at it and fondly remember how your sister is and was a terrible writer and a hypocrite and once did terrible things to Yugioh characters. I do this because I care.

Til next time, card cowboys.


End file.
